wonderboys
by moon strut
Summary: The adventures of three idiots who strongly believe they now have superpowers. —natsu, gray, gajeel, bro!fic
1. intro

**notes: **maybe some eventual nalu because everyone knows i ship them hard.

.

.

**/1**

.

.

Gray muttered harsh, vulgar words under his breath and jabbed his thumb against the doorbell another fifty million times. There was a series of clicks from the other side before the door finally inched open a sliver, rusted chain still locked in place.

"What's the password?" A single, dark eye demanded.

Gray wiggled his fingers into the crack in a desperate attempt to stab the lone eye as hard as he could. This obviously failed to work.

"Natsu, open the door, or I'm gonna beat the shit out of your cat."

Natsu paused to consider the threat before reluctantly removing the chain, allowing the door to swing wide open.

"I hope you know what an incredibly rude human being you are."

Gray ignored him, moving further into the small and cramped apartment. He chose a seat beside Gajeel—who was actually _on time_, mind you—and propped his feet on top of the coffee table.

The two 'sup' nodded as Natsu joined them on the couch.

"How long you been here, man?"

Gajeel blew a raspberry. "I dunno, like, since around 3?"

Gray frowned. "So you've been here for 8 hours—" He glanced up at the television. "—watching _Law & Order_?"

"It's actually not a bad show okay. You learn, like, crime fighting and shit and yeah, I'll admit there is an obvious lack of titties, but that is not the moral of the story. You shut up, I am a learned individual."

Gray dismissed his comment. "Okay, the real reason we're meeting on a perfectly good Friday evening... Did you two also receive some nicely packaged red velvet cupcakes yesterday?"

At this Natsu looked at Gajeel, who shifted his eyes towards Gray, who stole a tiny, microscopic glance at _Law & Order_ before staring straight at Natsu.

They continued this for another two and a half minutes before Natsu finally said,

"Yes, in fact, I did." He tapped his head thoughtfully. "They were a little on the dry side, and it was also obvious that whoever baked them failed to leave them in the oven for the appropriate amount of time to get just the perfect crispy outer layer," he finished, commenting with much expertise.

Next to him, Gajeel nodded in agreement, rubbing a hand on his chin.

Gray shook his head, deciding to disregard Natsu's surprisingly extensive knowledge of baking, and continued, "Well, I think it's safe to say we all ate them, yeah? 'Cause, like, free cupcakes, who the hell wouldn't?"

This brought about a series of 'yeah's and 'no shit's.

"Notice anything weird?"

Silence fell upon the three friends until Gajeel loudly cleared his throat. "Okay, I didn't wanna say nothin', but Natsu's cat—("His name is _Happy_.")—_whatever_, has been whispering to me from across the room, and lemme tell you, that is some shocking vocabulary."

"DUDE, dude," Natsu piped in. "My hands are pretty much _never_ cold, but this morning, they were _freezing_ to the point where one of them got stuck to Charles while I was taking a piss, kinda like when you lick a popsicle—"

Gray grimaced. "I don't know what's worse, that or the fact that you call your genitals 'Charles.'"

"Forget that, you asswipe, what about you?"

Gray paused, and wrinkled his nose. "I have... An uncontrollable compulsion to remove my clothing at any given moment. I think."

Only then did they notice that Gray had been sitting there sans everything he had been wearing, for the past 10 minutes.

"Dude, your junk is touching my couch."

Gray flipped his hair, fabulously. "Whatever, feel grateful it's not on your face right now."

Natsu made a sour face and sunk back into the cushion. "You do realize that sounded slightly homoerotic."

"It sounded _very_ homoerotic."

Gray decided to ignore them. Again. "So lemme get this straight, Redbitch can understand cats—("_Or_ just Happy.")—no, shut up. Dragqueen has abnormally cold hands, and I randomly feel the need to expose my luscious body to the world."

"Holy SHIT!" Gajeel chose that moment to spring up off the sofa and exclaim, "Those cupcakes gave us fucking _superpowers_!"

"Some lame ass powers. We ain't saving the world from _shit_."

And for the rest of the night, the term 'superpower' continued to be used _very_ loosely.

**tbc**

.

.

.

.

.

**dedication: **randomly for **les**—'coz she writes the best bro!ships ever, and for **rhea**—'coz her kage!ship makes me very happy. also for those who enjoyed **study hard kids.** i love everyone.


	2. we can make it if we try

**notes: **so many plans for this fic. SO MANY PLANS.

.

.

**/2**

.

.

After a rather heated debate concerning their current _conditions_ earlier that night, the three friends finally decided on what they believed to be the course of action with the highest priority. In other words, they hopped in the car and drove to the nearest supermarket still operating at midnight.

"Wait, wait, STOP," Gajeel suddenly halted the cart. "What the _fuck_ are those?"

Natsu snarled at the douche for interrupting his shopping mojo. "What. You mean these?" He picked up a package of frozen hotdogs and waved them around. "They are something called _hotdogs_, you poop. We are making hotdogs _like we all agreed on_."

"I meant, why are they not organic?" Gajeel jabbed the plastic of packaging with disgust. That shit was like processed up the ass and pumped full of chemicals and ew. Just EW.

"Because organic hotdogs taste like shit." Natsu slapped the offensive hand away. Gajeel's persistent poking and prodding had started to deform the shape of the sausages, and Natsu was _not_ about to eat ugly hotdogs okay.

"Don't touch me, your hands are damn cold."

"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, princess."

"Fuck you. And Gray, can you please not do that here?"

Gray looked up from his thorough examination of two rival hotdog bun brands and cocked an eyebrow. His gaze then traveled downward only to see that he was clad in nothing but his boxers. He stared back at them briefly before reading the nutrition labels for the fourteenth time.

Selfish asshole.

"Have some class, man." Natsu shook his head.

"You shut up. I don't want to hear that coming from _you_." Gray ran a hand through his lustrous locks. "I am so happy I decided to wear my Calvin Kleins today. I look _good_."

"You look like a sexual offender," Gajeel corrected.

"Dude, where the fuck are your clothes?"

Gray just shrugged.

"Oh, great," Natsu scoffed. "Now you're sex officer and a litterer."

"You mean 'sex _offender._'" Gajeel corrected. Again.

"Yeah, whatever, a littering sex officer."

"Forget it."

Gray, who had his attention solely focused on the buns for most of the conversation, finally paused and said, "Guys, how the fuck do we make hotdogs?"

"..."

Sadly, he was merely met by silence. And Natsu's breathing became increasingly more ragged, as he actually made the connection and realized that none of them had the slightest idea of how to cook hotdogs. His eyes widened to a size that really should have been physically impossible, nostrils flared dangerously at the devastating thought of _no hotdogs_. Oh God, he was going to _starve_ to death.

"Meh, we'll just wing it." Gray dismissed the dilemma rather quickly and proceeded to throw random bottles of condiments into the cart.

"You know what, the three of us make a pretty good team," as Gajeel so randomly declared. The other two only exchanged bored expressions, obviously implying that they didn't really give a shit about whatever Redfox was saying. But he continued anyway. "Like, I'm definitely the brains of the group. Fullbreasts is the pervert, and Dragqueen is the wild card."

Gray reeled back in disbelief, brandishing a bottle of relish. "Wait a fucking minute, why the hell are _you_ the brains?"

"Because," Gajeel's lip curled up in amusement, and he jabbed his thumb at himself. "I took AP Government back in high school while you dickheads rotted away in Remedial."

"That just means you were good at sucking the teacher's dick, asswipe." Gray disagreed. "No, no, no, you see, I am the good looks, you are the muscles, and Natsu is the wild card."

"What the shit is a wild card!?" Natsu panicked for no reason in particular.

They ignored him.

"Can I at least be the brains _and_ the muscles?"

"_Whatever_, faggot. This conversation is stupid. In fact, _you_ are stupid. Which actually contradicts your last request... So no, you don't get to be the brains. Natsu, put _down_ the Sunny D, you are turning it to ice."

"I'm bored." Natsu dropped the bottle of orangey, sugary goodness with the rest of their groceries and leaned against the shopping cart.

"Fine, you're ugly, so you don't get to be the good looks." Gajeel sneered.

Gray flipped his hair in a fluid motion. "Bitch, I'm fabulous."

"We are loitering, are we not." Natsu mumbled in the background.

"We are paying customers, so be silent, mongrel."

It was at that moment when Natsu really wanted to beat _everyone _to death with his cold, bare hands. Maybe he could call it something like 'Ice Dragon's Frozen Fist.' Yeah, that sounded good.

"You kidding? That sounds dumb as shit."

Natsu pursed his lips into a thin line. Well, looks like he voiced that one out loud.

"Excuse me, a customer reported a naked..." A security officer walked into their aisle, only to stop short and stare the the three friends. They stared back.

Natsu slowly opened a bag of Goldfish crackers and began to chew on them loudly. The officer blinked and reached for his taser.

Gray then elbowed Natsu in the ribs. "Why don't you use your Ice Dragon's Frozen Fist now, bitch?"

.

.

After that incident, the three ended up in the drive-thru line at Fairy Burger, demoralized and hotdog-less.

Natsu, having fallen asleep in the backseat due to his severe boredom and lack of interest in the current topic (and also maybe some _minor_ motion sickness but who cares), woke up with a start. "Wait—Where are we. Why are we here. Someone buy me a milkshake."

"I'm still hungry, and I want some damn curly fries." Gray explained, tightening his vice grip on the steering wheel. "But this is taking _forever._" He scratched at his naked chest, necklace swaying precariously around his neck. The security guard had ordered him to put on some clothes, but he just ended up in nothing but his jeans again.

Irritated, Gajeel slammed his fist onto the dashboard. "Why the fuck is there a goddamn line at 1AM? That's it, this is going on Yelp."

Natsu crossed his arms and glowered. He removed his seatbelt, leaned forward, and said to Gajeel, "I hope the airbag deploys when you punch the dashboard again, and it ends up KILLING you."

Gajeel turned around as far a the restraints would allow and lowered his voice, "You sit back in your seat right now, or I swear I will slit your cat's throat and recite to you exactly what his very last words were. "

Natsu reluctantly scooted back and buckled his seatbelt, grumbling incoherent complaints, most of which had a little something to do with 'animal cruelty.' Minutes ticked by in a strained silence, the only sound being Gray's impatient tapping.

"Shit, I needa piss so badly." Natsu suddenly began to squirm around in the back, kicking around and stomping on empty water bottles and old chip bags that littered the floor. Ew, Gray was gross—and _ooh_, he kinda wanted some Oreos now.

"Then be a big boy and step outside." Gajeel said, picking up an old issue of a home improvement magazine and flipping through it with mild interest. There was an incredible sale on a dining table set, and he so knew it would look majestic sitting in his—and of course, the issue was from 3 years ago. Shitty, stupid Gray.

"I don't want to get my hand stuck to Charles again." Natsu whined.

"Then fucking go no-hands, bitch."

Could they not go a single minute without Natsu opening his huge mouth.

"... Can't you help me, Gajeel?" Natsu begged, gradually becoming more restless with each passing minute.

Gajeel closed the magazine and placed it in his lap. "Do you really expect to comply to that?"

Natsu shook his head in disappointment and shouted, "You are of _no_ help whatsoever," as he scrambled out the door, disappearing into the darkness behind the bushes.

"So," Gajeel started, locking all the doors. "What comes first, curly fries or saving the world?"

Gray scoffed and switched on the radio. "Fries, of course."

Yes, they had decided to eat first since they were all fairly famished, and saving the world could always come later. Because honestly, how can anyone hope to kick ass while on an empty stomach, right. God, they were absolute geniuses.

_Just the Two of Us_ blasted in the background, and two remaining friends sat in silence before Gajeel half-screamed:

"_Please_ just change the song. I feel so fucking gay right now."

**tbc**

.

.

.

.

.

**notes:** it's actually a really good song okay.


	3. i made the moon go thin

**dedication: **to rhea 'coz her super amazing war cry boosted my motivation stats to write this next chapter. BE THANKFUL TO HER.

.

.

**/3**

.

.

"Wow, you guys are the best friends ever, leaving me at Fairy Burger to piss in the darkness IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN NIGHT."

Natsu brandished an accusing finger at the two dickheads perched on the hood of Gray's car, sharing an order of curly fries in a random park. Gajeel sighed and tossed a burnt fry at Natsu, who was less than amused when it bounced off his forehead.

"Relax, princess, we got you your milkshake, so quit bitchin'." Gajeel handed him the extra-large cup of chocolatey, heart attack-inducing goodness, which Natsu, of course, accepted with open arms.

"All is forgiven," he declared happily, slurping loudly.

"Honestly, I didn't expect you to find us already," Gray admitted, attempting to catch tossed up fries in his mouth. He missed all of them (as expected).

"The hell're you talkin' about?" This was barely audible as Natsu continued to devour his shake. "You lovebirds always have dates here."

Gajeel abruptly ceased chewing the fuck out of a particularly large fry and sneered, "Sharing a large order of fast food does _not_ make this a date, you dumb sack of shit." Gray nodded lazily in agreement, though he was more enamored with pulling and stretching a fry until it was no longer curly.

"On more than one occasion?"

Then, Gray sat up, leaning on his elbows, and the two of them gave Natsu one long, disparaging look.

"Do you not know the meaning of hanging out with friends?"

He scoffed and inquired, "How come I'm never invited then, you lousy fucks?"

Gray sighed, crumpling up the empty bags and tossing them somewhere random. It was late, Natsu was being an annoying princess, and he had to pay for the curly fries _that Gajeel ate most of__. _So no, he was not going to bother with properly disposing of his trash. He half-expected Gajeel to start bitching at him for littering carelessly, but the idiot to was too busy arguing with the other idiot to even notice.

"Where're we crashin' tonight?" He finally decided to make _some_ progress, since y'know, they have succeeded in accomplishing absolutely nothing so far.

The bickering stopped immediately, so smoothly that it almost seemed like they were never screeching at each other in the first place.

"My place?" Natsu offered, finding a spot to sit on the sidewalk.

Then Gajeel suddenly yelled, "NO," and lied back down on the hood of the car without so much as an explanation for his outburst.

Natsu glowered at him, "What the hell, why not!"

"There is no way I am sleeping in the same proximity as that ugly cat of yours." He thought about it for moment before quietly adding, "It whispers dirty things to me."

Gray raised an eyebrow in his direction and pursed his lips in disgust. Yeah, don't even want to know.

"Okay, I get the talking part, but was it really necessary to call him ugly?" Natsu shook his head. "That was just hurtful, man."

They made eye contact; nothing was uttered. And then came Gajeel's reply of, "Do I look like I give a shit."

"OKAY, well, we can't stay at mine 'cause Ultear is home, and she's a bitch." Gray waved his hand, and turned to Gajeel.

In fact, they both stared at him, expectation brimming from their eyes.

He groaned in protest. "My roommate is there, so looks like we can't stay at my place. OH, WELL." He quickly dismissed the situation with feigned disappointment, suddenly finding much interest in the scratch on Gray's car.

"So what, at least you don't have to live with your sister."

"You have a roommate...?" Natsu pondered this fact in the background, already climbing into the backseat of the '64 Impala.

"Whatever, let's go. We can save the world tomorrow or some shit. I'm tired." Gray hopped into the driver's seat, and decided to repeatedly slap the dashboard until Gajeel finally took his spot on the passenger side, crossing his arms and frowning the entire time.

Yeah, he was so done.

.

.

"You didn't say anything about your roommate being a _girl_, shithead."

Natsu and Gray sat awkwardly on the small couch, unable to take their eyes off of the pair of long, long legs that led to nice hips and a dip in the waist, up to a sizable chest and finally to the delicate, pale face framed with waves of indigo tresses.

"Whatever," He lazily gestured between the three. "Faggots, Juvia. Juvia, faggots. Done."

She smiled and waved stiffly. "Nice to meet you, um, 'faggots.'" They coughed and grunted at that. "But first of all, why...?" She flushed slightly and pointed in the general direction of Gray and his crotch.

(Be mindful that he had decided to shed his pants at the doorway.

Typical.)

All at once, the answers poured out.

"Just—Don't worry 'bout it." Gajeel sighed, palming his forehead.

"What, my Calvin Kleins?"

"Shut the fuck up, Gray." Natsu ordered, sending him judgmental looks.

Juvia blinked. "Okay, then." With that said, she quickly scurried off into the hallway.

Moments of silence passed by before Gray finally spoke.

"She's hot."

Nothing else was said as Natsu glanced at Gray, who stared blankly at Gajeel, who blinked at Natsu, who shot a nervous look back at him, who turned to glare at Gray.

And then, he jabbed a finger towards the door and said, "Get out."

**tbc**

.

.

.

.

.

**notes: **gajeel&juvia bro!ship just for you, les.


End file.
